Have you ever been ghosted when online dating? Do you even know what it is? Well tune in today for a discussion on how to become a savvy digital dater!Thanks so much for tuning back into 2nd Act TV. Real happy to have Sandy back with us today Sandy as you recall is the dating coach for women after 40 and the founder of last first date dot com, Sandy I got it right this time, didn’t I?? Thanks so much for joining us again, pleasure to be here. Sandy the last time you were here you know we did a couple segments on how to get started online you know jumping back in that dating pool and how to do your profile etc etc where I want to pick upon today is really what to expect once you know we’ve been out there, or about to get out there and one of that is a term that is new to me and that’s ghosting, what is ghosting?
Ghosting is a fancy way of saying that a person disappears and it’s become such a prevalent issue that it’s now the new free guide that I give out on my website it’s the top 10 reasons why men ghost or pull away or disappear and yeah so it could happen after you’ve been talking to a person online for a while, all of sudden they’re gone, happens all the time that’s one of the most common ways of experiencing ghosting, happened to me last night. I connected with a new guy on Bubble which is one of my favorite apps and we had a bunch of back and forth and he was a gentleman when I asked him to get on the phone because I don’t enjoy texting a man because it’s not a good way to get to know somebody and he said sure what’s a good time for you and then he told me that he would call me at nine fifteen last night and radio silence so um for me I’m just so used to it that it’s like come on what happened to manners but you just move on and you and you start dating again online.
But it can happen at any stage it can happen after eight months it can happen happen after three days. Well you bring up a good point you know what happened to manners why is this more prevalent and we read another article I think that you had linked to that it’s really the so these dating apps and this digital dating era that’s provoking the sort of behavior, talk about that. yeah I think that we’re living in the online age and everybody’s texting, I mean my daughter will text me from across the house instead of mom so we’re so used to writing what we have to say it’s much easier there’s less confrontation and I think people hide behind their computers a lot.
I mean you’ve seen also people say nasty things people unlike the YouTube videos because they’re hiding behind their computers okay to be a troll and say nasty things so I think it’s part of that whole era of permission to be a jerk, you know for a lack of better words to say. I think it’s it’s not polite but for a lot of people they don’t know it’s not that they’re jerks,they don’t know what to say and it’s actually came up once when I was in a forum on a panel talking to a group of singles and one woman said why does a man say he’s going to call me again and then never follow up and she said actually the guy is in the audience and if he wants it turned out he was there, oh wow, and if he wants to answer it’s fine, but if he doesn’t I understand and he got up it was like awesome so we got the answer in real time and he said I was brought up to be polite and kind and I feel like if I say to you I don’t want to see you again it’s mean, so women suffer from that too we have to be nice all the time and the truth is you’re not being nice if you make a false promise you’re not being nice if you don’t follow through and you don’t tell someone that you don’t feel it’s a match, it’s so easy just say you know it’s so nice to meet, you most people are not going to be your match that’s not a shock, yet being left in the lurch feels really bad especially when you’re in a relationship and it’s been long term come on have the decency to to say I just don’t feel it and I’m sorry I don’t want to hurt you and if you don’t know how to do it get some advice, you know.
And you bring up a good point in one of your articles Sandy and that is you know one we as women’s maybe even more so than men tend to get obsessed with knowing why we’ve been ghosted you know and maybe at the on sent it’s not quite as important certainly if you’ve been in a relationship you know we do deserve an answer how do we how do we when is it okay to ask or find out you know why we’ve been ghosted, and then how do you have that conversation?
So you can always ask most people who ghost will not respond just to know that up front and be okay with no response but it doesn’t hurt to be assertive and just say what happened? Like I could have said to the guy last night I’m sorry did I did I I’m confused, where were you expecting me to call you but I’m not going to do that because I’m a woman of value and so I am letting that one go but if just after a number of dates, when I first started dating after divorce I’ve said two men was it something I said you know and just kind of put a smiley face or something you know and text them you know but if it’s along-term thing then you have every right to say listen it’s really hurtful that you just disappeared and I would love to have a conversation, women do need closure much more than men and the closure is that the persons not into you you know that’s that’s sort of what you have to take away that either they’re-not into you or they don’t have the guts to talk to you about this and so do you really want to be with somebody who doesn’t have the nerve or the kindness and graciousness to end something in a kind way.
No, exactly and you know I think the point probably of this segment is that one you know we’re going to have a lot of rejection with online dating just by the nature of the beast so to speak and I think that knowing the difference between mean real rejection and what you call false rejection is it’s really a critical point and I want to pick up on that on our next segment so if you’ll stay over will pick up on that and talk about you know how to handle rejection.
Was there anything else that you wanted to say about ghosting on this segment before we sign off? I just think you have to have a tough skin when you’re dating and it in remember that most things are not personal you know most things are a reflection of the other person because if you’re a person who would never ghost somebody then then you’re with the wrong person number one and number two make sure that you’re not ghosting if you don’t want to be ghosted so do unto others it’s the golden rule of ghosting!Good Sandy thanks, okay we’ll see you on the next segment and talk about how to handle rejection and not let it get,not let it knock you on the butt, I think you said ass though, we won’t . . . I’ll talk to you later, bye!I hope you enjoyed today’s segment with Sandy.