One of the biggest challenges we face after divorce is learning to trust again! Tune in today for a discussion on restoring your faith in love! And we’re back for one more segment with Sandy talking about well the whole experience of digital dating and what we experience that is different than it was you know certainly when we were out on the dating scene first.
Sandy one of the big issues you know especially after divorce is rebuilding trust again when you’re starting to date somebody new, a huge issue I know it was for me, talk about that and how do we restore our faith and love? So it’s very common for people not to trust again and what we do is we bring our past experiences to the next person so the first thing to remember is the person in front of you is not your exit’s a clean slate, so first it’s a clean slate until you know more about that person don’t make assumptions that they are going to be just like your ex was.
So if your ex is a cheater it doesn’t mean every one is a cheater or,that you’re going to look for cheating signs and a lot of people misinterpret you know that that a person is cheating just because maybe he looked at a woman in the restaurant oh my God he must be cheating no and so we need to get the facts and not make assumptions, and so gather information gather what you really see not what you make up.
What I like to have clients do is say, is this really true, so you know a hundred percent do you know that this is true and so usually you don’t know without a doubt that something is true because you’ve only seen signs that you’ve interpreted, and then I have them also look for contrary evidence, so if you believe for example, I use the cheating thing, if you believe all men cheat do you can you find any contrary evidence that says that men don’t cheat, do you know any men who don’t cheat, you know same thing with all men want younger women, do you know any men who don’t want much younger women, of course you do.
You know so it’s we see what we focus on and that’s what grows,you know if you focus on the cheaters the liars the scammers, I can’t tell you how many women I know who say every every time they’re online dating all they attract are people who are liars,so that brings me to another point which is know the sign of a cheater and a liar and a person we would never allow back into your life again, know without a doubt that if that shows up if your ex was a narcissist and you see signs of narcissism,walk away right away.
It’s not even you’re not giving that person chance or five chances yeah there are signs that are clear lines in the sand you have to understand what those are so that’s you know working with a coach like me or a therapist or reading some good books really helps with that. Well I’ve certainly learned that if you look whatever you look for you’re going to find, so if it’s cheating if it’s yeah yeah you’re going to find it so so look for I agree a hundred percent, look for the good stuff and you’ll find that as well,that’s good good advice.
yeah and and what I also tell clients so we we researching for men online we search shop for men online together we share screen we do a video chat when I do live sessions my clients and so I’ll get on theirmatch. com profile and I’ll say can you find three good things about this man and she’s like nah he’s not my type, well your type isn’t working right,now so it hasn’t worked for you yet so we got to change your type, so what we want to do is look for men who have your must-haves and and see if there’s three of them you know, he has nice eye she seems like he has a really solid job and and he has kids and it looks like he has a great relationship with them, okay those are good, those are three things same thing when you’re on a date look for three good thing you know, he shined his shoes I don’t know whatever you can find time greeted you warmly look for the good we can’t just be going like oh yeah let me see if I can catch him being bad . . .
so that’s that’s a really good way that really kind of shift your mindset into a much more trusting and and positive mindset you know the main thing is you want to balance your head and heart in dating we tend to either date with all only our head or only our heart and when you get with only your heart then you just go in wide open and anybody can step all over your heart which is not what you want if you go in just with your head your heart is guarded and no one can get in so go in with your standards know who you are know what you want know what you will settle for and what you won’t, don’t deviate from that at all you know and and and then forgive everything else you know that the people who come up with the long lists.
I don’t like the way he chews with his mouth open I mean you know we all have habits, I mean you know it’s just we need to be forgiving of things that are forgiver forgivable and also know this is one other thing that I think a lot of women don’t realize that we need to speak up about what’s important to us and sometimes men don’t do things for us because they don’t know that we want them and there was a woman in my Facebook group who recently had a date first date with a man and she was sitting at the bar having a drink when he arrived and he said great are you ready for dinner, and she said yes and he went over the maitr d and he didn’t pay for her drink and she was so upset about this that she wrote about it in our Facebook group and and all the people in the group were like well was he a gentleman the rest of the time did he pay for your meal did he treat you nicely she said yeah but she was so upset about that one incident and he probably didn’t even realize it, he probably had no concept and also she got there first but let her being obligated to her pay for her drink.
Yeah the big message being that when you look at that person in front of you it’s not the person that hurts you you said that earlier I’m quoting your words, it’s not the person who hurt you and and you also if somebody does something and it does hurt you then speak up about it don’t assume that they should know that that was a bad thing to do because we can’t read each other’s minds, but the point is I mean we can build trust again it’s tough we need to acknowledge that we are bringing our own baggage if you will to the table and you know change our mindset and you’ve given us some great ways to to be able to do that Sandy thank you!
We are you can just goon forever we’re already out of time again for this segment, is there anything else that you want to add and about trust? Trust yourself, I think that weened to really strengthen ourselves and you know this is what my TED talk was about it’s when you date with hard on the outside and soft on the inside when you don’t have your standards and you don’t know who you are and you don’t know what you’ll walk away from then you’re you’re everybody’s option you know you become the person who can get stepped on, so really get strong on the inside but get strong enough so that you can speak your mind, so you can set clear boundaries so that you can trust again because there are amazing people out there and don’t give your heart away to every person who wants it you know be selective but also be open, and expect the best not the worst, that’s one thing I know I had to learn, so . . . absolutely!